Let's Talk Struggling with Work & Identity

I've been in a bit of a funk lately. It started with some hellacious PMS, and then with a period that never showed (I'm not pregnant, I just skipped a month, something I don't think has ever happened to me before). I'm exhausting myself working two jobs that barely cover my bills, and I'm not doing a good job applying for jobs that won't be so exhausting/will more easily cover my bills because I can't seem to figure out what I want to do. Or what I'm qualified to do. Or what someone will hire me to do.

I've also been struggling with the fact that I haven't been working on my own projects, a trend that started with school burnout and continued through some mild *depression* (I am not diagnosed, but it feels this way to me. Malaise may be more appropriate. Sadness. Disinterest in life. Perhaps I should stick with funk), busyness, lack of energy. I've been thinking about writing a lot lately, started feeling those whirrings again in my brain, rethinking while in the shower or falling asleep some of the things I've written but never felt were finished, starting to look at the world through a writer's lens again. That feels good. But, no real writing as of yet. No sitting in front of the computer and knocking a few pages out. I haven't even dug out a notebook to start writing ideas in again. But, this morning, I did get up when my alarm went off, early enough to write before getting ready for work. I did not write, I cleaned. Well, I am writing this. Hopefully, tomorrow I will get up when my alarm goes off and actually sit down in front of my computer and open a word processor. This is what progress looks like.

Then, there is the question of blogging. I've been asking myself, why haven't you been able to keep up with this blog? Is it because I don't actually care enough about it? I don't think so, because the idea of not having this blog makes me feel strange–guilty or sad maybe, I'm not sure which. Not free, which I feel like I would if I truly didn't want to do it anymore. I listened to this podcast the other day and Gabrielle used the term essay blog or essay bloggers in reference to what she wasn't, and something about that phrasing clicked with me. Those two words: essay and blog. I thought, maybe that's me. I thought, maybe that's what I actually want to be doing.

I wasn't a blogger in the early days of blogging, and I never really liked the idea of those strangely personal, diary-like posts (and yet, here I am). But I also find myself feeling unexcited about creating the pinable, audience-targeted content that has become so popular either. Which is not to say that content is bad–I still love consuming that content, I still appreciate it, I learn so much from it–but I've been trying to force myself to create similar content to the stuff I like to consume and I've stopped being terribly excited about writing it. This may not always be the case, and I like the idea of having a space that is open and I'm able to share a makeup post or whatever if I feel like it, but mostly I just want to write. I want to write about being a person in the world right now, and I want to talk about it with you.

Is that something any of you readers out there are interested in?

This has been terribly long and rambly, but that's where I am right now. I guess this is finding yourself in the 21st century. That will be the title of my first memoir, haha. I've thought about creating a new blog, a clean space to start with new content and new voice, but I'm also a little hesitant to slough off everything I've done so far here, because evolution is life. I'm also really excited to rekindle another online project that fell by the wayside, but I have to do a little research and backstage work and put a little money in before I can get that going. I'll share more when it's ready.

If anyone of you have stuck with me through all of this, I would love to hear your feedback. How have you pushed through your doubts and insecurities? How do you motivate yourself to pursue projects in your limited time? What job seeking secrets do you have?

Yours Truly, Jen

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